I feel it is important to begin with this very personal recounting because, it is the turning point in my life that pushed me down the road to really start looking at myself, my motives, my beliefs, and my emotions. It was the jolt I needed to start moving into what Martha Beck calls integrity. This was the first push to start finding my way back to me….
The afternoon of May 6, 2018, I sat on the edge of the bathtub staring at the positive pregnancy test in shock and fear. I had been lightly spotting for about a week and had suspected I might be pregnant. All that week I had been waffling between being ecstatic at the prospect and, terrified my body was playing a cruel trick on me. But now that it was here, I was on the edge of panic. It had been three years since my husband and I started working on making a family of our own, and with every passing month I had felt more and more like a failure, my body was betraying me! Why wouldn’t this just happen? Why, could I not do the one thing my body was created to do?
As I sat there staring at the word pregnant, I could hear my husband in the kitchen cleaning up dishes and did my best to pull myself together. My god I was shaking! I took a few deep breaths trying to calm myself and, walked out into the kitchen to share the news. When the words finally left my lips, he was so happy his eyes teared up. He wrapped me in a big hug, and I stated crying both for joy and fear. It happened! It had finally happened! My life would have purpose now! Was I ready?? Could I handle being a mother?
That night I could not sleep. My mind was in overdrive thinking about all the ways my life would change, all the things I would have to give up, all the things I wouldn’t be able to do anymore and, all the things I would have to do in the future for this little being growing inside of me. Could I make myself go to parent teacher interviews and other school activities? Could I plan and go to birthday parties and manage sleep overs? Did I really want other people’s children in my house? And what about extracurricular activities? Could I be a hockey mom?? I thought myself into a “what if” panic attack and the grief I had been holding onto for the last thirty years came spilling out of me. I don’t know if I’m ready for this! How was I going to do this? Why did this not make me happy? What is wrong with me? Will I be enough? Could I be selfless? Did I have enough to give? I thought I would be over the moon with happiness at discovering I was pregnant yet here I was, and all I felt was despair. I cried myself to sleep that night.
The next morning, I woke emotionally scattered yet determined. There was no going back now whether I was ready or not the time had come. I called to make a doctor’s appointment for the following day to confirm and find out what next steps were. That is what they say you should do, and I was a good girl who did what she was supposed to.
As I sat in the doctor’s office the next day waiting for him to come in, I mentally listed off all the things I though would be important for him to know. And figured he would order the proper tests and get me a referral to an OB in the city since Maple Creek is such a small town and no longer offers prenatal care after all. I wrung my hands for fifteen minutes before the doctor came in, his head buried in a file. I instantly got the scene that he would rather be anywhere else but there, doing anything other than dealing with me. He asked all the typical questions, and I did my best to remember what I wanted to tell him and relay my concerns, when I told him I had no symptoms except for the spotting he seemed unconcerned and told me it is normal in early pregnancy. A litmus test was ordered and came back negative. I was told with slight annoyance I was not pregnant, he would order blood work for the next two days anyway to see if my hormone levels were rising and would schedule me in for four days from then so we could go over the results. I left the office feeling confused and like a complete and utter fool for coming in at all. It was very early, why had I wasted his time with this?
Two days after the appointment I felt some discomfort and read it was normal during implantation, so I tried not to worry, and got myself in for the second blood test. As the morning progressed the discomfort became sever cramping and the spotting turned into heavy bleeding. I went home form work shortly after arriving just about doubled over in pain. I thought I’m having a miscarriage! I was devastated. I crawled into bed and slept until my husband came home. When he found me in bed, I told him what was going on and he did his best to comfort me. That night the cramping got so intense it kept me up most of the night. When I woke in the morning I felt good enough to go into work. On my way there I stopped in at the clinic to let them know what was going on. The nurse at the desk told me the first results were in and I was indeed pregnant. When I told her about the horrible cramps and the heavy bleeding, she too was unconcerned saying bleeding is common during the first trimester, I was not to worry and come back in two days. I was worried! This didn’t seem normal to me, yet no one seemed concerned!
End of the week I found myself back in the doctor’s office sitting at a desk opposite him. He told me I was six weeks pregnant; this was very early. When I told him about the bleeding and the cramping, he seemed uninterested in the fact and told me to schedule an appointment when I was at eight weeks. Being a good girl, I didn’t impose myself and scheduled another appointment. Once again, I left feeling foolish for my concerns. How was I to know what was normal when I’d never been pregnant before? How could I possibly still be pregnant after the other day? Not knowing what to do I went home to do some research on early pregnancy.
Early pregnancy symptoms can range from no symptoms at all, to one or two, to the whole menagerie. In my travels, I came across a site describing ectopic pregnancy. I feared this could be what was going on but I was not exhibiting any of the sings except for the bleeding and I had been told repeatedly bleeding in early pregnancy was normal so how was I to know for sure if this was ectopic? The cramping had been my entire lower abdomen and when I palpitated the place were my ovaries and uterus are there was not tenderness. I couldn’t know for sure and told myself this was not the case. I didn’t know what to believe. Everything I thought I knew about pregnancy was turning out to not be true. Was this my normal? At thirty-two how could I know so little about pregnancy and childbirth?? How could I be this foolish? If it was ectopic, was it my fault?
I was down a painful pit of despair and had no idea how to get myself out! Earlier in the spring one of my friends had led me to the topic of meditation, with all that was going on I resolved to set aside thirty minutes each evening to meditate. Those first few evenings I prayed to whoever was with me to please give me a sign that everything was going to be ok. Almost immediately I began to find white, gray, and black feathers in my path wherever I went. It was like they would just pop out at me from off the ground. I wasn’t looking for feathers, yet I couldn’t stop from noticing them! I thought this was odd, never in my life had I noticed so may feathers laying about! I made a mental note of their presence each time and continued on my way. Later I would learn feathers are a common sign from spirt. My guides were letting me know I was not alone, that I was loved and protected. It was their way of telling me everything was going to be ok.
As the weeks progressed, I lost most of my apatite except for the craving of citrus fruits. I could not eat enough oranges! They were all I wanted. I read this was an uncommon craving to have during pregnancy and counted myself lucky to not be suffering morning sickness or any of the more “inconvenient” symptoms. One morning after coffee I got up from the couch and became very dizzy, I tried not to over think this since dizziness is a symptom of pregnancy and brushed it off. I continued to meditate each evening and had an increasing sense not all was right but I was being supported and all would be well. I didn’t know what to do.
I found myself on an emotional roller-coaster headed for disaster and I couldn't find my way off! Getting your period is one thing but bleeding for an entire month takes its tole! I began asking spirit to please help this little life hold on if all was well and if not to please let it come to a swift end. If things were not going to be ok or "right" I didn't want to do this anymore. I was conflicted and confused.
At the end of the month, I went back to the doctors. They did an ultrasound and found a heartbeat over on the right side. I was all at once relieved and disappointed. It had been a trying three weeks. I once again told the doctor about the bleeding and cramping and once again he was unconcerned. I asked to be referred to Medicine Hat, I was not feeling confident in his abilities. When the nurse asked if I wanted an ultrasound image, I said no, I never understood why people thought it was so important. I shared the good news with my husband when I got home and talked myself out of thinking something was wrong, there was after all a live little being in there. I think my husband felt a little relief when I told him. That evening we talked about what we would need and what sex we thought the baby might be. He thought girl and I hoped for boy, thinking to myself he was probably right.
Over the next couple days, the bleeding started to slow then changed in appearance. One morning I woke to dark brown blood and a not good smell. Ohhh! This isn’t good! I thought and made an appointment for the following day. When I got in to see the doctor, he seemed to be overly concerned and suggested we do a pelvic exam. I didn’t want to do this and felt uncomfortable about the whole thing but went along with it anyway. What else could I do? He was the educated doctor, and I was just a lowly high school educated fool. Everyone was very professional during the pelvic exam, and all was done by the book, yet I walked away form the office with more than the blood work form, I also left with the feeling I had been violated.
Over the days I waited to get my results I began experiencing quick sharp pains where baby had taken up shop on the right side, and a couple days later I got an early morning phone call to come to the clinic right away. The doctor feared I might be having a misarrange and had made me an ultrasound appointment for that afternoon in Swift Current, it was imperative I drop everything and I go. I left the clinic a half hour later annoyed with worried, the name of the clinic and a time, 2pm. I managed to keep myself together long enough to get home and call my husband at work. When I heard his voice, I broke down in tears. Luckily, he was just working at the shop in Medicine Hat and could duck out early to take me up. I hated driving to places I’d never been before in cities I didn’t know.
As we sat in the waiting room of the radiology clinic, I was nervous, bloated, and in a fair bit of discomfort. My name was called, and we were ushered into a dark room. This was the first ultrasound I had ever had, I thought I knew what to expect and boy was I wrong! For those of you who don’t know how they do early pregnancy and ovarian ultrasounds, it is done internally through the vagina. I had no idea! No one ever said this was a thing! After the pelvic exam this experience only amplified the feeling of being violated. When all was done, we were told to hang around until we heard form the clinic in town, at about 4pm I got a call to come home, it was a Friday evening, and we wouldn’t make it back before the clinic closed so I was asked to go to the hospital in Maple Creek later the next morning, the doctor would talk to me there after his rounds.
The afternoon of Saturday June 2nd, I was told I had lost the fetus, the yoke sack and placenta were still in place, and I would be having what they call a missed miscarriage. That is when the fetus dies but the body has yet to recognize the loss because the hormones levels associated with pregnancy are still high enough for the body to register pregnancy. As the hormones fall the body slowly begins to recognize the loss and the process of releasing the begins. This can take anywhere from a few days to a few weeks. I had always thought the loss of a baby and a miscarriage happened simultaneously, that the moment the fetus died miscarriage occurred. I had no clue.
I knew miscarriage was going to be the answer he had to give me when I was asked to come to the hospital, the relief I felt was instant. I knew things had not been right and was glad it would all be coming to an end. He didn't trust my body would clear things up on its own with out complication and wrote me a prescription for two different antibiotics to prevent infection and said I was to go for a second ultrasound the following week. When I came home to share the news with my husband, he took it, I thought, surprisingly well reassuring me things would be ok. I had been right in my feelings something was wrong. It hadn’t meant to be just yet. I knew he was upset and let him do what he felt he needed to do. That turned out to be going out and getting drunk at the annual ball tournament. When he crawled into bed early the next morning, I could feel the sorrow he felt over our shared loss lay over me like a blanket and it nearly broke my heart. I wanted to ease his suffering for him so badly!
The following day my mother in-law came over a little upset. They had found out through my brother in-law that I had a miscarriage. Why hadn’t we said anything!? We should have told them what was going on so they could support us! They should have known! Instantly I was angry with my husband our privacy had been invaded in a very insensitive way! Why did he tell his brother!? We told my mother in-law we had said nothing because it was so early and had not been going well. She didn’t want to believe I was doing ok given what had transpired. Our conversation was brief, and when she left, I tore a strip off my husband. Why had he told his brother of all people! Our privacy had been stripped! Our grief invaded! I had not wanted our family to know! I didn’t want or need anyone’s concern or sympathy! This happened to us not them! I was stronger than people thought and understood this had happened for a reason. Why should I play victim to this loss? This was NOT my brother in-law’s news to share! Why had my in-laws not come to us directly? This was the last person I thought my husband should have confided in. He argued he had to share it with someone, it was his loss too, and besides, I’d told my best friend so why couldn’t he tell his brother? I instantly felt bad, how could I argue? I apologized. It was just… It was no bodies business! Why do people think, oh this would be tearing me apart, I have to impose myself on them to know more? I wasn’t ready to talk about it with family, I didn’t know if I ever would be. If I told very few people, I wouldn’t have to talk about it as much. I didn’t need prying visits or sympathetic shoulders. I needed peace and quiet so I could grieve with my husband and get on with my life.
I thought the worst part of a missed miscarriage is the waiting. The days leading up to my second ultrasound were tough. I couldn’t understand the emotions I was feeling, and it felt like my mind and my body were not on the same page. I wanted my body to clear things quickly so we could move on and start trying again and my emotions were saying you need to take time to feel and grieve this loss. Because even though you don’t think its a loss it is. I made an appointment with my Acupuncturist for mid week in the hopes she could help get the ball rolling but, nothing changed. Maybe it was one of those miscarriages that happens over a few weeks, and this was how it was going to go? Each night I meditated focusing on my body, willing my it to recognize the loss, to release and heal. Please release and heal. Please!
The day of my second ultrasound came, I assured my husband there was no need for him to come with me this was just to make sure thigs were passing as they should, the bleeding had slowed again, and I was hopeful things were coming to a swift end. The ultrasound was scheduled for 11:30am and at 12:30pm I was admitted to the Swift Current hospital with a brown envelope and no explanation as to why I had been sent there. I was led to a room and told to wait there for the on call doctor to see me. What the hell was going on? Why was I here for a miscarriage? Had something gone wrong? Why could I not go home? I wanted to go home!!
A woman around my age came into the room and closed the door, she asked me to sit, I sat on the hospital bed, and she sat in the chair across from me. She introduced herself as the doctor on call then asked me to tell her why I had come for the ultrasound. I told her what I had been told and what had been going on. When I was done, she looked me in the eyes and told me I had not had a miscarriage, I was still pregnant, and the ultrasound results showed it was an ectopic pregnancy. My jaw hit the floor then I burst into tears. If there is one thing, you do not ever want to have happen during pregnancy it is for the fetus to land anywhere other than the uterus! How the FUCK, did this not get caught on the first ultrasound!? The doctor told me they would have me to stay and order some blood work. When the OB on call got here, they would come talk to me further. She asked, “Was there anyone I could call to come stay with me?”
“My husband” I said. “I will call my husband.” I was brought a gown to change into and a nurse hooked me up to a heart and blood pressure monitor. The signs had been there how could I have misinterpreted them!? I text my husband who was still working in Medicine Hat. He didn’t know what an ectopic pregnancy was and called confused and worried. I explained to him it meant the fetus had gotten stuck in my right fallopian tube and he should probably come since I might need to have surgery to remove it, I wouldn’t know until I saw the OB for sure. He told me he’d come as quickly as he could, he would probably have to have his dad come with so we could get both vehicles home. *Sigh*, great. Now they would all know about this too.
I laid in the hospital bed for three hours numbing myself with cartoons on the TV before I was able to see the OB. By then I had calmed down. The doctor seemed like a compassionate man and sat down to explain my options. One, I could have surgery, complications were scaring, only having one tube and two weeks off work, my boss wouldn’t like that. Or two, a round of three shots of Methotrexate, which is the stuff they give cancer patients to stop cancer cells from dividing. It would help my body reabsorb the fetus. The complications form this could potentially be, none or a list too long to put down here. Eep! Neither were great choices! He said my HCG levers were at a low enough point for him to feel comfortable recommending the shots over the surgery. He left me to think about my options for a few minutes when my husband arrived with his father. My husband was scared, and my father in-law gave me what I thought was a look of pity, but it was probably just concern and I was projecting. When the doctor came back, I opted for the shots.
That evening when we got home my husband urged me to call my parents to tell them what had happened. He said it wasn’t fair his parents knew and mine did not. I had to tell them. Shit. I didn’t want to do this! They didn’t need to know! But he was right, if they heard it from his parents, I would never hear the end of it. I called my dad first, he cried. I called my mom second and my stepdad answered, my mom wasn’t home. I told him and he cried too. Neither one of them really wanted to talk about it which was fine with me. I didn’t want to talk about it either. When my mom got home later, she called me back, she wanted to talk about it, I told her I did not. She didn’t need to know the details just that it had happened. During out chat she told me she had gone to a medium in Calgary a few months back and he had told her I would become pregnant, and it would be a girl. I felt this truth resonate deep within me. My little girl would never be born. I would never get to hold her in my arms, touch her soft brown hair or see her grow into adulthood. The reality of what I had lost hit me like a ton of bricks. I saw a whole life I could have led flash before my eyes, memories that would never be made, pictures that would never be taken, a life that would never be lived and love that would never be shared. I got off the phone for the first time really feeling the pain of what I had lost. This was my fault. I made this happen.
The following day we were back in the Swift Current hospital, and I received two shots in my rear end with the largest needles I had ever seen. The doctor gave me a book of photocopies on Methotrexate before sending us on our way, he stressed I was not to continue with the prenatal vitamins, drink alcohol or take any folic acid because it would mess with the drugs. Also, we were to wait three months before trying for a baby again so the drugs could work their way out of my system, we were not to start any sooner since the drugs would also sap my body clean of all folic acid, essentially cause my stash of healthy eggs to shrivel into unhealthy weak ones. I was to go for blood work four days after the shots and again three days after that. If my HCG levels dropped low enough in those seven days, I would not have to go back for a third shot. My hormone levels dropped to 42.9 in a week. I was told to go back every week to the hospital in town for blood work until HCG levels were back to zero. That week was the most physically uncomfortable week of my life. During that week the doctor in town I had been seeing called to see how things had been progressing, I could feel his guilt for not catching this earlier, for not listening to my concerns. He told me he believed I did have a miscarriage and because of where the fetus had taken up shop not everything was able to clear like it normally would have. This did not make me feel better about what I’d been through.
Fifteen days after receiving the shots my levels were down to three and remained there for two weeks. On July 10, my thirty third birthday, I got the call telling me I was hormone free.
I was never given an explanation as to why this happened in the first place. And no concern was shown on either doctor’s part to investigate further. I have never been diagnosed with anything they say would cause an ectopic pregnancy to occur, and as far as my medical records went, I had a clean bill of health. No information or guidance was provided to help me cope or move through the emotional pain I experienced or might have experienced. Despite the fact my body went through a trauma that could have led to my death, I was expected to just go on as normal and start trying again in three months. The clinical symptoms of pregnancy had gone therefore, the entire experience should have been over. What??
I hold no resentment towards the doctors who I dealt with, they did what they believed was their duty but, to say I was disillusioned with the western medical system after all of this is an understatement. I was left feeling guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, dirty, ignored, brushed aside, violated, and pressured. I wondered how many women going through pregnancy or the loss of one have felt the same way? How many women feel scared or angry, unsure, incapable, lost, alone and obligated to toe the western medical line because it is considered socially acceptable? How many women out there believe they can not trust to know what their own body or intuition is telling them? How many believe they have to look outside of themselves to someone else who has “more knowledge” on how their body functions? How many women do not heed the call of their inner knowing?
The shame and guilt that comes along with the loss of a pregnancy is not something our society likes to talk about, the limiting beliefs and the “hell thoughts" we have are not things we are encouraged to change or share with others. We are pressured to not talk about it and get on with trying again. “There will be other babies”, “it will happen again, don’t worry.” How can they possibly know this? We feel we have to push ourselves to hurry through our grief and ignore the guilt and shame that comes with this type of loss, our emotional pain is suppressed and ignored because, it’s too "ugly" for others (and ourselves) to look at. We believe it is inconvenient to sit with our grief and feelings because they are uncomfortable and will never go away, they wont get us what we think we want. We believe we have to hold on to the pain and become victimized by it. This is simply not true! Sitting with our emotions, and taking a long hard look at what we believe to be true is the greatest gift we can give to ourselves and those we love. When we do this we allow the loss and pain to empower us to move into a stronger sense of self and worth. When we share our stories despite how scary it feels and how uncomfortable it might make others, we soon learn there are people out there who have experience of their own to share that we could learn from. The loss of a pregnancy is not an ending, it is the beginning of something new. For some that may look like the child they were always meant to have. For others like myself, it could be the push they needed to start doing what they were always meant to do.
I know how lucky I am that this was caught before it turned into a major medical emergence. And I know this does not mean my body, mind and spirit needed to heal any less. Just because there may not have been any outward scaring didn’t mean I came away unwounded. Trauma is trauma no matter the severity. The loss of pregnancy is an awful thing to have happen at whatever stage it occurs! And There is no set timeline for how long grief “should” take to integrate. It takes as long as it takes. Don’t rush into the next baby because that's what you think you should do. Another pregnancy and a new baby will not make the grief and shame magically go away, it will only mask it until something else happens to cause it to resurface.
Below is a list of pregnancy symptoms compiled form different sites online along with the warning signs and causes of ectopic pregnancy. Every woman is different, and each pregnancy is individual and unique. No one woman will experience the same symptoms with each pregnancy.
Pregnancy Symptoms:
A missed period
Nausea
Appetite change/ Food aversions.
Fatigue
Dizziness/ Fainting
Frequent urination
Swollen and sore breasts
Darkening of Nipples
Moodiness
Bloating/Gas
Light spotting/Bleeding
Cramping
Constipation
Nasal congestion
Backaches
Headaches
Metallic taste in your mouth
Raised basal body temperature
Acne
Increased water consumption
Breathlessness
Hemorrhoid's (piles)
itchy skin
leg cramps
tingling and numbness in your hands
vaginal discharge
vaginitis
varicose veins and leg swelling
Pregnancy Mask (Melasma)
Common symptoms of ectopic pregnancy:
Sharp waves of pain in the abdomen, pelvis, shoulder, or neck
Severe pain that occurs on one side of the abdomen
Light to heavy vaginal spotting or bleeding
Dizziness or fainting
Rectal pressure
Taken from Heathline. The cause of an ectopic pregnancy isn’t always clear. In some cases, the following conditions have been linked with an ectopic pregnancy but not all.
Inflammation and scarring of the fallopian tubes from a previous medical condition, infection, or surgery
Hormonal factors
Genetic abnormalities
Birth defects
Medical conditions that affect the shape and condition of the fallopian tubes and reproductive organs
All sexually active women are at some risk for an ectopic pregnancy. Risk factors increase with any of the following:
Maternal age of 35 years or older
History of pelvic surgery, abdominal surgery, or multiple abortions
History of pelvic inflammatory disease (PID)
History of endometriosis
Conception occurred despite tubal ligation or intrauterine device (IUD)
Conception aided by fertility drugs or procedures
History of ectopic pregnancy
History of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), such as gonorrhea or chlamydia
Having structural abnormalities in the fallopian tubes that make it hard for the egg to travel
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